A few weeks ago, I sat down at my computer, opened up WordPress and started a new post. This is what I wrote:
I hate Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. My sister made me watch it so many times when we were little.
But that’s also why I love it.
After writing those bits, I just stared at my screen for a while, and nothing else came from my fingertips on to the screen. I saved the draft and closed out the computer without posting a thing.
Here is what resulted from that draft.
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I’ve been spectacularly lame lately. I’ve been all: “work is hard yadda yadda” and “I’m insecure this” and “wah wah crummy birthday that” and now it’s time to stop all of that.
There was a period of my life where I watched all or part of the movies “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Three Ninjas Kick Back” every day for about a year. My little sister was obsessed with them and insisted we watch them together after school. She couldn’t just watch them alone, no, no. I had to be there, too.
I hated it. I had other things to do, I had homework and friends to play with in the street.
But I loved that she wanted to spend that time with me, even if I didn’t act like it.
Lately, life has felt a lot like my little sister asking me to watch the same two movies over and over again.
During the week, I get up, go to work, get home tired and read a bit or watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer before passing out with exhaustion.
Our weekends have been filled with one project: Ray and Charlie. Our friend Sarah wrote a short script about two guys and their names are (you guessed it) Ray and Charlie. James was set to direct and I, laughably, was set to produce. It felt like every spare minute outside of work was spent thinking about this project.
I got bored after the first weekend of errands and if it had been left up to me completely, we’d probably have sent a couple of emails, set aside a couple of props and said “Aw man this is HARD. Do we HAVE to make a movie? Let’s go get a puppy!”
James, though? He’s got this bulldog work ethic. He has a momentum that drives him to chip away at big important things, long after they cease to be fun. If I’m going to be honest with myself and this glass of wine and all of the webernets pointing a gun at me, then I’ll admit that his determination is what makes our relationship work. His momentum pulled me along on this movie, but I did my fair share of whining along the way. Things got busy at work, birthdays and traveling happened and I wanted so badly to quit.
But how do you quit when your coworker is your husband and the job is the dream he has for his life?
Last weekend I watched James make that movie. I was humbled. Impressed and humbled. He was in his element and
oh,
oh, I wish you could have seen it.
He (well, WE… or, They?) made something beautiful. I can’t wait for you to see it. All of you.
I ran around and bought snacks for the crew and handed James water and pretzels when he started to look pale and tired. But mostly I felt useless. And somehow I’ll get a producer’s credit for buying snacks.
This morning, I started to get down about the whole cycle of things, again. I started thinking “ugh, I’ve got to go to work tomorrow” and “wah wah, I want to go on vacation” and “oh, I wish I didn’t have to work hard for the things I want”…
and then today was actually a genuinely HARD day at work. Whining aside, it was busy and hard. And I sat down at my favorite restaurant for lunch and ordered a sandwich and sat down and looked as glum as I felt.
The 16 year old kid who works behind the counter sat down with me on his break and asked me if I was okay. We sat and talked about life and school and work and food for about half an hour.
And you know those defining moments? The ones where you put 2 and 2 together and they don’t equal “purple” or “yes, but only on Wednesdays”? 2 and 2 are sometimes 4. And today was one of them.
I looked at that kid sitting across from me who took his lunch break to talk to a stranger and I thought about that quote that Ferris Bueller says. What is it?
“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Sometimes it’s my kid sister is asking me to watch movies with her after school. Sometimes it’s a stranger who asks how you are and means it. Sometimes it’s going to work (and dealing with the some bad days but mostly good ones) so I can pay for food and rent and someday vacations. Sometimes it’s my husband who’s dream it is to make movies. Sometimes it’s getting a puppy.
But all of it adds up
and none of it is worth wishing away.
