non sequitur in 3 parts

I had some errands to run after work last night, so I stopped off at home and threw on my favorite (of late) t-shirt and some jeans. Aforementioned t-shirt is white with a line drawing of a french bulldog.

Wait, let me see if I can find it online.

Nah, can’t find it exactly, but here’s something that’s reasonably similar:

So half an hour later, I’m wandering around Bed Bath and Beyond in the bedding section and a guy who was getting ready to do some restocking wheeled a 15 foot ladder by me and yelled out,

“HEY! I used to have one of those dogs! He died though.”

He stopped the ladder and peeked around the corner he’d just passed to make sure I’d heard him and to await a response.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!”

“It’s ok.”

And then he wandered away again. After a moment or two, I continued perusing the pillows and duvet covers. I made it all the way over to comforters and bedspreads when the guy came sprinting back over to me just to say,

“We never let him inside the house!”

“Oh that’s…um, why?”

“He was a nervous farter.”

We both enjoyed a good belly laugh and snortle or two, and then went our own ways. I like laughing with strangers.

______________________________________________________

I find it interesting how often the following phrases are used in social media.

1.) ‘Nuff said. The irony is often lost on the poster themselves. They seem not to realize that “enough” is literally not being said.

2.) Dear______ , Love _______.  I’m guilty of using this one, and I do think it’s occasionally clever. Though, rarely when I use it.

3.) Nothing says ______ like ________.  Example: “Nothing says Christmas like cinnamon raisin cookies!” This truism is often only true for the individual making the statement. For instance, I hate cinnamon raisin cookies and they expressly do NOT say Christmas to me. Occasionally, this phrase could be used with irony, in which case “Nothing says Christmas like cinnamon raisin cookies!” would be funny and true.

4.) Gotta love ______.  Example: “Gotta love waking up to poop spewing out of your toilet at 5:30 in the morning!” Implied irony 98% of the time. Irony omitted only when used incorrectly.

______________________________________________________

Could anyone else use a nap right now? Come ON Tuesday! For the love.

7 thoughts on “non sequitur in 3 parts

  1. cheekypinky

    Nothing says love like cleaning up spewed poo at 5:30 in the morning?

    Dear Toilet,

    Fuck you.

    Love,

    LauraJane
    (and James)
    (not Spaghetti. she’s a fan of the shit.)

    Reply
    1. Laura Jane Post author

      Heh, glad you enjoyed that! I’ve been feeling pissier than usual lately…hope this didn’t sound pissy…it was meant to be funny!

      Also, OF COURSE YOU DO! We are the same :)

      Reply
  2. view more

    I’m going to be honest with you here. Informational content usually puts me to sleep, and I snore quite loudly. Your content not only kept me awake, it intrigued me

    Reply
  3. get more

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